This article was written by Dr. David Hanscom, a former orthopedic spinal deformity surgeon who had practiced in Seattle, WA, for over 32 years. Since retiring in 2019, he has focused on teaching people how to break free from chronic mental and physical pain—both with and without surgery. His approach to wellness and healing aligns with the principles we share on this website, and we are pleased to introduce him to you.
Key Points
- Our instinctive survival responses and negative conditioning often lead to feelings of guilt and inadequacy.
- We create “stories” about ourselves to feel better, but these stories often fail to truly satisfy us.
- As a competitive species, we strive to appear invulnerable, which can alienate us from others.
- Recognizing that our survival reactions and self-esteem constructs are not truly “who we are” can help us develop a healthier relationship with our ego.
Why We Pursue Self-Esteem and Reinforce Our Ego
Survival Reactions and Emotional Triggers
Our survival responses produce unpleasant emotions, such as anxiety and anger, to signal potential threats. In nature, once a danger passes, animals can relax and regenerate. However, humans often continue to ruminate, keeping the body in a state of tension. This can blur the line between our survival instincts and our identity, leading us to believe that these reactions define us.
Lifetime Programming
We are conditioned by societal expectations from childhood, often through guilt, intimidation, and shame. We’re rewarded for behavior others deem “good” and criticized for behavior they view as “bad.” This conditioning contributes to an ongoing pursuit of self-esteem, shaping our identity and ego. When we fail to meet these standards, it can trigger feelings of inadequacy.
Our Competitive Nature
Humans are wired to compete—for resources, achievements, and social standing. This drive can lead us to build an ego that appears strong and invulnerable. Unfortunately, maintaining this persona can isolate us from genuine connection, as meaningful relationships require vulnerability. Without resources or opportunities to compete, some people may “drop out,” developing an identity shaped by negative self-perceptions.
Maintaining the Ego
Even a well-built ego requires continuous upkeep. Negative self-talk and doubts like “I’m not good enough” or “I’m unworthy” can fuel a cycle of mental rigidity. This rigidity blocks us from adapting to new situations and can harm both mental and physical well-being.
Taking Charge of the Ego Carefully
The need to protect our ego can disrupt relationships with family, friends, and colleagues. Mental rigidity, a byproduct of ego defense, makes it difficult to accept other viewpoints. We must cultivate mental flexibility to soften this rigidity, but the process requires care. The ego provides a sense of control that helps manage anxiety. Learning to live with vulnerability, rather than resisting it, is essential for connecting deeply with oneself and others.
Mindfulness practices have shown promise in reducing rigidity, though they may not benefit everyone equally. Those with heightened emotional sensitivity may find mindfulness overwhelming without guidance on handling vulnerability. This underscores the importance of preparing oneself before challenging deep-rooted defensive patterns.
Moving Forward: Softening the Ego
Reducing the ego’s dominance begins with understanding its origins and acknowledging why it feels so necessary. Tools like mindfulness, cognitive awareness, and recognizing distorted thinking patterns help us detach from our ego’s hold. We lessen our dependence on the ego by promoting mental flexibility and creating new neural pathways aligned with our chosen direction. Life becomes freer, and we become more resilient to life’s challenges.
For more information or to contact Dr. Hanscom, please click this link
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